Obsession

I have an obsession...I am not proud of it...I don't like to admit it but it's true. My obsession is food. It drives me crazy, but I can't stop thinking about and not usually in a good way. I have thumbed my nose at people who are obsessed with another person, or shopping, or even the dangerous obsessions with drugs or alcohol. I've given myself an excuse that MY obsession is better than all of those, but it's not, it is still an obsession and it can also be a dangerous one.

In the "good" days of this obsession it is about the excitement of my next "fix". I love to try new foods, go to a new restaurant, bake a delicious new dessert from my new favorite recipe book or enjoy my old favorite "comfort" food. I am not a fussy person when it comes to the type of food. I will try almost anything, any place, anytime, just once. Those are the good days.

On my bad days, my obsession can bring me to my knees. I'll crave the terrible foods that give me heartburn or clog my arteries. I'll eat until I feel like I can barely move. I will keep eating meal after snack and chug practically a gallon of sugary soda or fruit drink and the problem continues to compound. I will catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and remember what years of this obsession has done to my body and get angry or breakdown in tears.

And being a wife and a mom I have the responsibility of being the chief meal preparer and ADDS to my obsession and the inevitable questions and comments about what are we going to have, what time are we going to eat, where shall we go out to eat and if we do can we agree on where to go, or do I have to eat THAT?

It's an obsession that I can't avoid! I have to eat! We all have to eat and have food to survive! But why can't I get a handle on this obsession? How does the skinny person in the office next to me at work stay so skinny? And then it gets so complicated in my mind that, instead of digging in and conquering this, I give up. I give in. I go out and get something that I shouldn't. And the next day I wake up and do this all over again.

So where do I go from here? Is there rehab for food? I guess that would be a gym or Jenny Craig, but for me it all comes down to ME, I believe. I want this to be a healthy relationship. I want to respect myself and my body to take care of it and do right by it. I certainly don't have any concrete answers yet, but I am working on it. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem. So that is what I am doing...

My name is Becki and I am obsessed with food.

Life in general

I complain so often about the ups and downs of life. I get tired of the rollercoaster and want off the ride. But I was just thinking about how life would be without the hills and valleys. How would I know what is "normal" and what is not normal? We had a health scare this week with my husband and there have been times over the last couple of years that I wondered about the future of our relationship because of some issues we'd been having. In the valley of this week, I was reminded of why I believe these things have to happen from time to time. I was reminded of what life might be without him and what I need to do to keep him healthy and our marriage healthy. I was reminded of the love we have and what has kept us together, through all the rough times and the good ones. But if we didn't have moments like this what would turn my way of thinking around? Would we have given up a long time ago? I hate to think we would have, but...

So I guess if anyone is reading this I hope you think of the place you are in. Are you on top of you hill or your rollercoaster or are you in the valley, wanting to get off the ride? And when you figure out where you are remember that is is all part of the journey and I believe we need to experience it all.

Saved By Grace

I believe most of us have at times when we have so many thoughts and questions and feelings swirling around in our heads that we want to share and feel like it will sound crazy if we say it. Well this is one of those times for me. Sometimes just the simple things of life remind me what I should be grateful for and the things of my life that I need to change. But there is one thing that never changes for me and and is something that I am always grateful for and that is the fact that I have been saved by the grace that only comes from God. And though undeserved HE gives grace to everyone freely.

So this blog is my expression of my life, my way to let go of some of the swirling in my head. Some may find it interesting, some may find it dull. Some may agree with a thought, and other may think it's crazy. But bring on the good, the bad and the ugly comments. All are welcome :)

Grace to all of you -
B~